10 Funny Cleaning Tips For Real Parents

We’re a serious cleaning business. But sometimes we need a laugh too!

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Do you ever wonder if you’re the only parent out there who doesn’t have time to keep your place sparkling clean? Don’t worry, you’re not alone! While there are some super Mums (or Dads) who can shape their child’s life while keeping their home sparkling clean (and massive kudos to them!), for the rest of us, there’s a real world to deal with. Between burping babies, school recitals, trying to remember which bills to pay, and avoiding lego related injuries, sometimes it’s just easier… not to clean. These handy, humourous cleaning tips will help you keep your sanity… (cause you know, laughter is good for the soul, and even unintentionally funny cleaning tips can have us rolling around the floor. So enjoy a laugh, even if you don’t have the time or energy to even follow through with these nifty ideas…).

1- Make it look like you’re in the middle of cleaning. You know, just in case someone pops over during the day.

The key to this tip is finding ways to make it look like you’re doing something about the mess, even when you’re not. Once you’re a pro at this you will look like you’re so busy cleaning that people will start to tell you not to stress about the little messes (even when they can see for themselves that it’s more than just a little mess). It could even result in an invitation to get out of the house and take a break from all your hard work!

Some of the pro tips include: 

• Soak Your Dishes in Soapy Water. This is a great way to give the appearance that you’re going to clean them.
• Scatter a couple of empty containers around the house so that you can claim you’re in the middle of spring cleaning. After all, everyone knows how messy it gets when you take everything out to sort through things. 
• Leave some old clothes up on the clothesline. This makes it easier to claim that you’re “catching up” on the washing. 
• Place a brush and shovel near any large mess. This way it’s easy to explain that you were in the middle of attending to it when they knocked on the door. 
• If someone arrives and you’re totally unprepared, knock some furniture over. This way you can answer the door with a crazy story about how some wild animal tore through your house and how overwhelmed you’ve been trying to deal with the aftermath. If this doesn’t draw immediate sympathy and an offer to help, don’t be afraid to add on some tears!  

2- Ignore the non important cleaning needs. Then keep ignoring them. 

When you ignore something it becomes less important right? It’s like that saying “out of sight, out of mind.” Real parenting cleaning tips must include some strategies for ignoring things. If you don’t master this skill then you’ll always be overwhelmed by the amount of cleaning that is constantly required. 

Some perfect ignoring methods include: 

• Shut the door to your kid’s bedrooms. Then you won’t have to see the mess that they call their sanctuary. 
• When you go to vacuum remember that cleaning out the vacuum is not a priority. With your vacuum cleaning remaining full you will have a valid excuse not to vacuum.  
• Watch an episode of Hoarders. It really helps give you a low bar so that you can feel good about justifying ignoring your own messes. 
• You’ve heard a lot of tips about how lemons and lemon juice can help with the cleaning. Since you don’t have lemons just put off the cleaning until you can get around to buying some. Don’t forget to forget the lemons next time you go shopping!
• Ask your child to clean the house. Next time you’re tempted to clean remember that you asked your child. This means you’re intentionally ignoring the household cleaning needs in order to teach them a lesson. It kind of makes you a good parent… right? 

3- Lean on good intentions. 

Intentions are the most important thing right? So if you have good intentions about cleaning then it doesn’t really matter what happens in reality. 

Here’s some examples of good intentions that make you a perfect caretaker for your home:  

• Consider washing all the sheets on a weekly basis. It’s totally fine that you’re more likely to completely forget about them and leave them gathering mildew in the washing machine for a week instead. 
• Think about dusting. It’s the thought that counts.  
• Plan to be an adult even though you know you’ll end up emulating your child instead. The intention of being responsible keeps means you’re maturity. The reality of looking around at the messy house then flopping down on the couch with a whiney “I don’t wanna” is more cathartic though. 
• Spend your free time noting down all the things that need to be cleaned in your diary. The fact that you spend your free time making those plans and thinking about cleaning the house is clear evidence of your good intentions.  
• Make sure you always have something going on that is a bigger priority than cleaning. Then ensure your intention is always to do some cleaning right after that priority is taken care of. The trick with this one is to ensure there is always another important priority ready to slot in before you actually get to the cleaning stage. 

4- Put aside for later what you can’t get to today

Ah here we have some good old procrastination. I’ll explain this one in more detail… later… 

• Throw letters and school notes into a paper tray. In about 3 weeks you can go through them. Many of them will be redundant by then so you’ll have less work to do and more you can just toss straight into the bin. 

5- Do it the short-term easy way

Cleaning is a literal chore. That’s the reason there are so many shortcuts, tips and tricks floating around online. It’s all about finding an easy way to deal with the mess. 

For some super handy tips on doing it the short-term easy way (as long as you ignore the long-term consequences), consider the following cleaning ideas:

• Once you have a pile of clothes on your floor that is too big to ignore, simply pick it up and shove it in the nearest closet. You will feel much better when there’s room to move your feet without tripping over. More importantly, it will totally look like you’ve done a lot of work. 
• Let the dog clean up all the crumbs from the floor. If you don’t have a dog, then get one. It’s a life saver for keeping under your table clear from gross food clutter. 
• Have a box to throw to “the be sorted” stuff into. When that box is full, just get another box. If anyone wants something in the box badly enough they will sift through it.
• Once it’s time to put dinner on but your kitchen it too messy to cook and eat in, simply move the meal outdoors. You can order some fish and chips and enjoy some fresh air. It’s good for you. Especially since your kitchen is literally swimming in grot and germs at this point. 
• Put a laundry basket at the side of your table and sweep everything off the table and into the basket. Voila! Clean table. Now your desk is clear from clutter so you can work, your table is free to set up the next meal, or your bedroom has a fresh new decluttered look.
  
  

6- Mind over matter

Sometimes it’s not so much about what you do, but how you perceive it. That’s when mind over matter tips come into play. 

Here’s some thoughtful ways of changing your perspective about cleaning: 

• When your mirror is too dirty to see your reflection simply don’t worry about it. You probably look fine, and no one else really cares what your mirror looks like anyway. 
• Whenever the mess gets too overwhelming just remind yourself that the only thing you hate more than a dirty house… is cleaning. 
• If you get worried about the state of the house remember that a messy home is just a lived in home. That obviously means that an extremely messy home is just a really lived in home. 
• Reframe your perception of mess as a problem. Look at is as a finely honed obstacle course. It’s set up to develop gross and fine motor skills, of yourself and your family, as you weave your way around dangerous obstacles and crunchy, sticky floor gunk. 
• If a visitor seems to have a problem with the mess ham it up. Ensure they know how much they clearly mean to you since you’re so comfortable with their friendship that you no longer feel the pressure to clean up the house before they arrive. 

7- If in doubt, smell it out

Sometimes we can’t avoid the cleaning or get around it any longer. That’s when we need to resort to smell checks. Smell checks alert us to the priorities of what might actually, really, genuinely need to be done. In some cases you can hide things longer with some additional smelling aids. 

To boost your smell check abilities, follow these smellerific ideas: 

• Invest in air fresheners and strong smelling sprays. This will ensure you can minimise which areas you absolutely have to stop ignoring. 
• Sniff around a room to determine if there is any part of it that is emitting a stench that you can’t cope with. Then just focus on cleaning these key parts. 
• Smell bathrooms after kids have used them to determine if they need to be sent back in to wipe up any overflow. 
• Develop an awareness of what rotting food smells like. This way you will be able to prioritise when something needs to be cleaned, and when something really needs to be cleaned. 
• Open all your windows and doors so that the fresh breeze can come through. If this doesn’t work, blame any stench on something wafting in from the outside. 

8- Hoard brilliant cleaning tips and hacks

They say that it pays to be prepared. When it comes to cleaning there are a million hacks and cleaning tips that can save you time and energy.

Here’s a few tips that sound great for busy mums and dads: 

• Just spend 10 minutes a day focusing on cleaning. Have a roster in place that lists all the things you need to clean and work your way down that list, doing a new item each day. If those 10 minutes aren’t enough to finish the job don’t worry about it. You can carry that task on next time it comes around on your list. 
• Clean as you go! 
• If you’re struggling to find time to clean around a young baby, remember that the tip is to clean when baby sleeps. Or is that to sleep when baby sleeps… Maybe you can just wait until baby is old enough to help you clean then clean when baby cleans!
• Use boxes. Have a socks box and a jocks box, a toy box and a dirty dishes box. It’s much easier to toss things into a box than to properly sort and pack them away, so it should be easy for everyone in your family to pitch in and just chuck stuff into the boxes as they go. 
• Now that you’ve got a few more brilliant cleaning tips to hoard, plonk them in your diary, have a laugh, and forget about them. 

9- Consider excessive measures of decluttering

Sometimes you just get to a point where you need to toss it all in and start again. That’s when excessive decluttering measures sound really tempting.

Consider these options before you decide to completely abandon the home and set up camp elsewhere:

• While looking at the mountain of laundry make a rash decision on whether it’s better to clean it all or just toss it all and buy everyone new wardrobes. 
• Take a holiday from the mess by taking the family on a holiday. Go somewhere warm so that you only have to bring your swimwear. Stay in a hotel without cooking facilities so that you always have to eat out. Ensure they have a daily cleaning service. Even if you sink back into overload on your return, at least you had a breather! 
• Accidentally knock over the stack of dishes into a carefully placed garbage bag (you don’t want to be stuck having to clean up broken bits an pieces). Less dishes to use means less mess to clean! Consider replacing them with disposable picnic gear. 
• Let your kids play with water in the house. Then declare everything to be water damaged. It’s easier to toss things into garbage bags then to clean and sort through them. 
• Farm the children out to friends or relatives for the weekend. It may be tempting to change the locks so they can’t return, especially if you get around to doing some cleaning, but I’m pretty sure that’s not a good idea… 

10- As a last resort have handy excuses ready. 

If all else fails, be prepared with excuses. Excuse me, I mean, reasons, for why the cleaning is just a little out of control. 

When in doubt use these handy go tos: 

• Plonk some get well cards on your shelf. If guests come over they will think you’ve been too sick to clean and forgive the mess. If you’re really lucky they may even step in to help tidy up a bit.
• Do some research on religious holidays, the more obscure the better. Print out some informative posters that make it clear that you are forbidden to clean at these particular times. Make sure you’ve got the whole year covered by various special days, weeks, or months. If you don’t have time or just can’t be bothered doing all this preparation, then invent a special year and stick with your story. 
• If someone asks why the house is so messy remind them that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. You’re not insane, so you stopped cleaning the house and expecting it to stay clean. 
• Cry. I mean what’s worse- something thinking you’re just a messy slob, or someone thinking you’re going through a rough time and need a little support? 
• Mention that it’s time you hired cleaningbest again. That way people will think you’ve had a professional cleaner through in some not too distant past, and that professional help is once again on the way. 

Thank you for your time. We hope you find some of these tips, um, useful for some unwinding! Let us know your favourite funny cleaning tip.